It's been too long...

     I had no idea that I hadn't blogged in so long.  It's been19 days since I've been on the computer.  On the 5th, I turned 33.  I got to spend the day with my parents.  We went to see the owl movie (totally can't remember the name of it) and ate my mother's fabulous spaghetti.  I got to talk to my nieces and nephew, and then finally got to talk to my daughter.  When she was ready to go, she said "ok, well, here's my mommy," referring to my sister-in-law.  I burst into tears.  I had tried to hold it together all day, but completely lost it at that point.  This stuff is so hard.  I had been staying with my parents because I've been having such a hard time with life in general.  I stayed there until last Friday.  I decided that I might be strong enough to go home.  Friday I did alright.  Saturday was harder.  Sunday was rough, as I continued to stay in bed.  Monday, late in the afternoon, I called my mother as I sat with  knife in my hand.  I decided to call for help instead of ending my life.  My posts will probably be short right now.  I just wanted to keep up with you guys.  Life is still extremely hard right now.  I'm ready for it to ease up.  I hope you're all doing well...which is to say that I hope you're all doing better than I am.  We'll talk soon.  Thanks for reading...

It's Saturday...

     It's about mid-day Saturday, and I've been crying all day.   I can't tell which hurts worse...not having my daughter or the new memory that I continually relive.  Yesterday was such a good day. I went over 24 hours without crying and was feeling so hopeful.  Too bad it doesn't last that long.  I won't bore you with the details of either.  Frankly I don't feel like talking or writing, but feel like I need to.  I'm so grateful that my parents are letting Agnes and me stay at their house for a stint until I'm able to cope and manage these things better.  I hate the way this stuff makes me feel.  There is something helpful, though, that my mother brought to my attention.  Sooo many women have been sexually abused in one way or another, and many have had to endure the nastiness of repeat offenders.  Sometimes it's hard not to feel alone in this stuff. I think it's probably like that with problems that everybody faces. We're taught to not talk about it, swallow the shame and hurt, and end up wounded, suffering people.  We can feel the pain, but we don't have to suffer. Hopefully you all have people who help hold you up.  It's a place where you find your true friends and loved ones.  I know I have, and I'm eternally grateful to them.  I'm going to go play with Agnes right now.  It's a beautiful day outside, and I'm hoping that it will permeate my soul.  It needs it right now.  Thanks for reading.