Well, the night before Christmas eve, I decided to overdose on my medication. I was in so much emotional pain and felt so alone. It's amazing the lies that take over when you're in such a state. So, the next morning, my parents came to the house and tried to get me to answer. I could barely stand up, and felt like I was gonna puke. I finally made my way to the front door and was greeted with 2 incredibly worried parents. They took me directly to the hospital emergency room. I couldn't really stand up by myself and couldn't talk....everything I said made no sense what so ever. They took me up to the Medical intensive care unit and had a sitter stay with me at all times as a suicide watch precaution. I kept hallucinating more than normal. I was so frustrated. When I overdosed, it wasn't to take my life. Instead, I just wanted to sleep longer than normal. Instead, I ended up staying in the hospital over Christmas. The doctor let me go under my parents' supervision. If you want to feel helpless and frustrated at the age of 33, just overdose and then have your parents take care of you. I'm ready to go home. At the same time, I know they didn't ask for any of this. It's enough that they have to drive me wherever I need to go. I really feel bad for them. None of this was their fault, and yet they're having to bear the brunt of my stupid actions. I go to one of the doctors tomorrow morning. I'm hoping that visit goes well.
Basically, I feel like an idiot. Hind sight's always 20/20, yet I wish I'd not been in such a bad space that I would take that much medication. Like I said, I felt really alone, and was missing my daughter something awful. She doesn't want to talk to me right now because it's too hard for her. So, I don't know when I'll get to talk to her again. That alone is enough to break my heart. I know I have to do what's best for her, so my hands are tied. I didn't think that giving her up would entail such heartbreaking things such as having no contact, and her not calling me mommy anymore. I have to trust that I made the right decision, but that's a moment by moment thing. People always talk about taking things one day at a time...I'm having to take things moment by moment right now. Since the overdose, I've realized exactly how many people love me and care about me. When this was all going on, all I could think was that everyone would probably be better off without me. I deliberately didn't take enough meds to commit suicide. I just wanted to check out for a bit. I used to think that life was supposed to be easy. Now I realize that life is really hard, and you're lucky if you get to have a few easy spots. I'm trying to wrap my brain around it, still, but I'm coming along pretty well. Like my dad says,"life sucks then you die". He means it as a joke most of the time, but I think it's true, at least right now. But maybe if we all help each other out, it won't be so bad. Who knows?! I hope you all had a good holiday. After all, holidays are just normal days that have been made special by someone else in order to have a celebration. I vow never to overdose again. I hope you will too. Thanks for reading.
