Just kidding...I didn't really call to say "I love you"....I've been obsessed with the movie 'High Fidelity' as of late, and there's a joke about that record in it. I've been making Christmas presents today. I hate it that the spirit of the holiday is supposed to be love and joy and all that kind of stuff, when really you end up busting your ass trying to make everything perfect. My dad put my Christmas tree up for me, and for the first time I like having a tree up. It makes me think of my daughter. Sometimes it's a sad memory and sometimes it makes me smile. I had to go through the Christmas ornaments and give my daughter's to her new mom since she has her very own big girl Christmas tree. That is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I really didn't think it was going to be a big deal, but it was. It amazes me sometimes the things that really upset me about this whole situation....things that I normally wouldn't get upset about and feelings that I didn't expect to come to the surface so easily. She loves Christmas, or at least she used to. On one hand, I'm grateful that she misses me and feels a bit out of balance. On the other hand, it breaks my heart to see her heart broken. She's so much better about keeping a happy face on than I am. I cry entirely too easily these days, and sometimes think that I feel things a little too deeply. I'm glad that I have the capability to feel a myriad of emotions...I just wish that I could pick and choose what I feel and when I'm going to feel it. But don't we all?
I know someone who is in severe pain but hasn't a clue that he feels that way. He tries to hide it with humor, and sometimes it's almost painful to watch. I just want to say, "it's ok...you don't have to pretend that everything's ok", but I don't. He's a grown man and it's not my place to go there. So, I back off and let him do his thing. Maybe I'm keenly aware of his pain because of my own. We have different stories, but very similar pain. I think we're all hurting in some way. Most of us try to do something to cover it up. I know I do...I'm technologically retarded, but I've gotten so into tech stuff, trying to occupy my mind and time with something other than thinking about everything that's really going on with me. What do you use? Is it work? Or food or relationships? We all have something...I'm sure of it.
I have to tell you about a book that I downloaded (yes, I'm a dork) on my Nook thingy. It's about the "bad" women of the Bible. I love it. Even God uses people like me - the bad Christian who cusses at any given chance and occasionally participates in illegal activity lol. In learning about the Bible growing up, I always heard about the women who seemed perfect and normal and beautiful and all that. I never identified with them worth crap and thought that I had to be like that in order to be loved. So, I gave up trying at a pretty early age. After all, I am your classic preacher's daughter - and the worst kind at that. My family still jokes about how I turned into hell on wheels when I turned 16....I was awful! Why I'm going into all of this, I'm not quite sure. I think I just want to communicate that you don't have to be perfect and all together in order to be of help to others or to be loved. We were all made to be who we are for a reason. I have mental illness and everything else for a reason. What that reason is I haven't the first clue, but at least now I know that there is a reason. And knowing is half the battle, to quote GI Joe lol.
So, this holiday season I want to allow myself to feel what I feel...even when it's inconvenient and hurts like hell. I don't want to feel frantic about making sure that everybody is going to like what I've made them. If they don't like it, tough shit....I've put a lot of thought, time and love into every single thing I've done. I hope that this season, where the malls are packed with rats and frenzied shoppers, that you're able to sit back and get in touch with what's going on with you, whatever that looks like for you. For me, it's sitting in the dark listening to Buddy and Julie Miller or David Gray, letting whatever feelings I have come up and hit me out of nowhere. I hope you can find something that works, too. Thanks for reading.
