I have schizophrenia. I also have a few other things, but schizophrenia is definitely there. That's why I had to give up my daughter. I am grateful that she's with family, but it's still hard. Last night, my entire immediate family was here, and all of the grandchildren. I love it when we're all together. My brothers make fun of all of the bad and crazy hairdos that I've had...the bald heads and mohawks, though one brother had a mullet at one point. I'm not the only one with bad taste lol. Anyway, my mother played this damned song that absolutely wrecked my heart...it's actually really good, but I can't listen to it without bawling. It's called "A Baby Changes Everything". I don't know who wrote it, but Faith Hill sings it on her Christmas record I guess...it's my mom's. I started crying, thinking about how different my Holiday is going to be this year. How different my life is right now, and how much pain I'm in today. Her new mother told me that my daughter is writing letters to God right now...telling him that she cries sometimes because she misses Lucy. I was already crying about missing her....this just tore my heart out. Though somewhere in my heart a little light shined in some tiny space because I am not forgotten. She is not clueless about how different things are and how hard they are. She is going to have an amazing and painful story to tell when she gets a little older. I hate that it has to be a painful and difficult one, but I'm realizing that we connect to each other best when in pain. Don't you think you do that? I know I do...there are some people I never thought I'd be involved with who can connect with me and help hold me up because they've been there. Somehow or in some way, they've been there.
Anyway, I told my father as he was driving me home. He suggested that I might want to write some letters to God too. I'm still not sure if God is a He or a She, but I decided that "they" wouldn't care that much. I hope not at least. So, I decided that if I'm going to really be up front and honest about where I am, I would let you read my letter to God. I didn't get too deep, but figured I'd share, hoping that I'm connecting with somebody:
Dear God,
I know that I'm throwing up shotgun prayers right now...my heart is broken. I'm starting to see a little light through the cracks, but it's all so painful still. I wish that it could've stopped when I signed my rights over as her mother. Couldn't the giving have ended there? So much is frequently asked of me, and I give for the well-being of my child. I give for hopping that if I do the next right, albeit hard thing that more light shines. It may just be a tiny space filled with light, but it's more than I had. Bless the people who endure mindless babble from a crazy girl. Bless that baby that 'changed everyting' for me. Let her know how much I love her...thanks. Oh, and please honor these tears I cry for her. Let me send her light and love and then drop it so I don't end up in that ocean, punching at the waves, trying to get somewhere more peaceful.
Amen
