I hate the flu...

     I have the flu right now and feel like crap.  My friend encouraged me to write anyway, so I am doing just that.  The holidays are here and I find myself wondering how I'm going to cope.  My daughter  is doing really well, which I'm grateful for, yet I long for her to want her mommy.  Damned schizophrenia.  I always wonder if I did anything to bring it on.  My life has been pretty difficult,but there are so many other people who have gone through difficult things and still can take care of their children.  So, I continue wondering what I did wrong and where I went wrong, hearing the sounds of my therapist lingering in the background, telling me that none of this is my fault; that it's a brain disorder that no one has control over. So, the cycle begins again.  I forgive myself, then feel guilty about feeling forgiven, then feel depressed about the whole situation, then back to the beginning of forgiving myself all over again.  Does anybody else do this? Is it a crazy person thing?  I don't really know what it feels like to be "normal", but I imagine great things for that kind of life. I imagine that "normal" people don't feel as if they've abandoned their children; that they don't have to worry about half of the things that I do...that they don't have to rely on medication for some semblance of sanity. Then I hear that "normal" people have just as many problems...they're just different.  The thing that sucks is that I'm in the minority.  People don't understand what it's like to be mentally ill.  People can identify with "normal" people problems.  I miss feeling normal.  And at times I grow increasingly angry feeling abandoned by God and the human race.  I almost wish that I had a physical illness instead of one of the mental sort. That way people would understand and wouldn't look at me like I'm crazy when I share my life with them.  It's also times like these, when I'm pretty lucid and doing pretty well, that I wish I had my daughter back.  The other times, I'm grateful she's with my brother and sister-in-law, whom I consider a sister. I will have to find a balance between the two.  My sweet sister told me that she wants me to flourish in life, and to not feel as if I've put my daughter off on them so that I could have a "nice" life.  She knows my heart and knows that I don't operate like that.  I just need to find a place to balance.  Right now, though, with being sick, it makes the whole situation feel quite dreary.  I just have to hold on.  thanks for reading