My Broken Heart

     Today is probably one of the hardest days I've ever had.  I found out that my daughter can't call me mommy anymore.  Instead, she's going to call me Lucy.  I haven't been able to stop crying.  I feel like my heart has been ripped into pieces and stomped on.  I understand that it's best for her.  Calling me mommy and my sister mommy is extremely confusing for her.  I am determined to do what is best for her, even when it feels like it's the end of the world to me.  I don't have much to say except to those who pray to continue praying.  Puffy red eyes are kind of the status quot these past couple days.  I'm so tired of grieving.  I want to feel happy.  I want to feel peace about the situation.  I wish that doing what's best for her didn't hurt so badly.  I pray and pray and sometimes feel comfort, and other times I feel completely alone.  I'm not a mom anymore.  I don't have a daughter anymore.  That sweet precious child that I gave birth to is no longer mine.  She won't identify me as her mother anymore. I feel like the world has truly come to an end.  What else is there? If I've been so obedient in my decision to give her up, why don't I feel rewarded? Why don't I feel loved? Why can't I stop crying and begging for that peace that passes all understanding.  I want her sooooo badly.  I long to feel those sweet, soft arms around my neck.  I will get to see her over the Thanksgiving holiday for 2 days.  I'm a nervous wreck...usually our meetings go well, and other times they're very tense. I am praying for the best situation.  Please pray for the same. I can't stop crying, so I think I'm going to get off the computer.  Thanks for reading.