Today

Today has been a rough one.  Nothing in particular has happened, but with me nothing has to happen in order to have a bad day.  I think I'm realizing that I really am in this group home in east Jesus nowhere, and my "friends" are just as unstable as I am, if not more.  I'm extremely lonely and keep to myself.  My phone card ran out and I don't have any money to buy another one.  So, there's no real face to face contact, and no phone contact.  I don't say any of this in order to receive a pity party.  I'm just explaining why things are hard at the moment.  I'm back in school, which is a huge highlight in my day to day life.  I  love to learn and love to study (I never said I wasn't a dork). I guess I wish this could all happen on my terms.  I wish life would happen on my terms.  So much of the time I don't like the way God does things.  It's either too late, or too early, not good enough, or too hard.  But I'm realizing that it's not so much God as it is my hard-headedness.  If I were more submissive, let's say, maybe I wouldn't have so many difficulties.  Who knows??  I am the way I am, and I'm workin' on it.  Hopefully things will improve.  Until then, I'll probably stalk people on facebook, watch movies, and eat trail mix with Gatorade. Have a good night all.

I'm back...

     It's officially been forever since I last blogged.  These past few months have been painfully difficult, but I'm still going strong.  I live in a group home now with 8 other mentally ill people.  It's kind of like being in a hospital, but without the locked doors and the confinement that usually comes with being hospitalized.  I'm getting used to it.  It's definitely not a "homey" place, but it's home for now.  I get to go home whenever I wish. Unlike most of the others, I have my own room and bathroom, and for that, I am thankful.  I decided that I wanted to go back to school, and I start online classes tonight.  Honestly, I'm doing really well.  I'm in a place of acceptance about the adoption.  I got to see my daughter this past weekend.  She's gotten soooo big, I can't believe it! She is so precious and is doing really well.  My entire family got together at my parents' house for 2 days.  I love my family.  I'm also keenly aware that without them, I'd probably be on the street somewhere....they have given me so much love and support.  Agnes is doing well.  She has a new hair-do...mom and dad had her shaved for the summer...apparently she was a little embarrassed about being bald lol...she still looks cute.  I think I'll try to write here every day...it gives me a much-needed outlet.  Thank you to all who have stuck with me...I love you all!

How stupid I can be...

     Well, the night before Christmas eve, I decided to overdose on my medication.  I was in so much emotional pain and felt so alone.  It's amazing the lies that take over when you're in such a state.  So, the next  morning, my parents came to the house and tried to get me to answer.  I could barely stand up, and felt like I was gonna puke.  I finally made my way to the front door and was greeted with 2 incredibly worried parents.  They took me directly to the hospital emergency room.  I couldn't really stand up by myself and couldn't talk....everything I said made no sense what so ever.  They took me up to the Medical intensive care unit and had a sitter stay with me at all times as a suicide watch precaution.  I kept hallucinating more than normal.  I was so frustrated.  When I overdosed, it wasn't to take my life.  Instead, I just wanted to sleep longer than normal.  Instead, I ended up staying in the hospital over Christmas.  The doctor let me go under my parents' supervision.  If you want to feel helpless and frustrated at the age of 33, just overdose and then have your parents take care of you.  I'm ready to go home.  At the same time, I know they didn't ask for any of this.  It's enough that they have to drive me wherever I need to go.  I really feel bad for them.  None of this was their fault, and yet they're having to bear the brunt of my stupid actions.  I go to one of the doctors tomorrow morning.  I'm hoping that visit goes well. 
      Basically, I feel like an idiot.  Hind sight's always 20/20, yet I wish I'd not been in such a bad space that I would take that much medication.  Like I said, I felt really alone, and was missing my daughter something awful.  She doesn't want to talk to me right now because it's too hard for her.  So, I don't know when I'll get to talk to her again.  That alone is enough to break my heart.  I know I have to do what's best for her, so my hands are tied.  I didn't think that giving her up would entail such heartbreaking things such as having no contact, and her not calling me mommy anymore.  I have to trust that I made the right decision, but that's a moment by moment thing.  People always talk about taking things one day at a time...I'm having to take things moment by moment right now.  Since the overdose, I've realized exactly how many people love me and care about me.  When this was all going on, all I could think was that everyone would probably be better off without me.  I deliberately didn't take enough meds to commit suicide.  I just wanted to check out for a bit.  I used to think that life was supposed to be easy.  Now I realize that life is really hard, and you're lucky if you get to have a few easy spots.  I'm trying to wrap my brain around it, still, but I'm coming along pretty well.  Like my dad says,"life sucks then you die".  He means it as a joke most of the time, but I think it's true, at least right now. But maybe if we all help each other out, it won't be so bad.  Who knows?!  I hope you all had a good holiday.  After all, holidays are just normal days that have been made special by someone else in order to have a celebration.  I vow never to overdose again.  I hope you will too.  Thanks for reading.

Love to all...

Thank you to those who have tried to help me through all this.  It will be over soon, I've decided.  I think that I cause too many problems for people, and I hate that.  Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for reading.

Please let Christmas be over...

     I've done my fair share of going out in the crowd all in the name of Christmas.  I'm not a holiday person.  Especially after learning in a non-so-loving way that my conversations with my daughter are about to come to an end.  What a great thing to learn.  This whole situation sucks.  The conversations are making her revert to old behavior, so it's best for her for us not to talk right now.  I wish that understanding completely over-laid the awful emotions that come with it.  I've never hurt like this before in my life. Hopefully everybody else will have a good holiday.  This one's not gonna be that great over here, but at least I know it.  It's better to know than to go into it clueless.  Take care everybody...

Hard Times...

     It's Christmas again.  I used to hate this time of year until I had my daughter.  Then, watching her delight at Christmas totally changed it for me.  I couldn't wait to watch her get excited about Christmas and Santa and giving Jesus a gift for Christmas, a tradition my family has taken on since I was a child.  I used to love Christmas.
     Now I don't like Christmas so much.  It's not that I don't like it, but I hate the way my Christmas has changed this year.  Not having my daughter has changed absolutely every inch of my being.  And it's changed Christmas.  I don't have her to watch the Charlie Brown's Christmas, so I leave my tv off instead of trying to myself get through yet another Christmas special where everybody makes it out ok and is really happy.  I should be happy...it's a happy time of year.  I try not to beat myself up for having a rough time, but it's hard sometimes.  I think that I should be fine since I take the lifetime supply of psychotrophic medication...ya know?  Oh well....another day, another time, right?
     I'm going to bed.  I hope you all have a good night.  Sleeping is my friend at this point. Thanks for reading

I just called to say I love you....

     Just kidding...I didn't really call to say "I love you"....I've been obsessed with the movie 'High Fidelity' as of late, and there's a joke about that record in it.  I've been making Christmas presents today.  I hate it that the spirit of the holiday is supposed to be love and joy and all that kind of stuff, when really you end up busting your ass trying to make everything perfect.   My dad put my Christmas tree up for me, and for the first time I like having a tree up.  It makes me think of my daughter.  Sometimes it's a sad memory and sometimes it makes me smile.  I had to go through the Christmas ornaments and give my daughter's to her new mom since she has her very own big girl Christmas tree.  That is one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I really didn't think it was going to be a big deal, but it was.  It amazes me sometimes the things that really upset me about this whole situation....things that I normally wouldn't get upset about and feelings that I didn't expect to come to the surface so easily. She loves Christmas, or at least she used to. On one hand, I'm grateful that she misses me and feels a bit out of balance.  On the other hand, it breaks my heart to see her heart broken.  She's so  much better about keeping a happy face on than I am.  I cry entirely too easily these days, and sometimes think that I feel things a little too deeply.  I'm glad that I have the capability to feel a myriad of emotions...I just wish that I could pick and choose what I feel and when I'm going to feel it.  But don't we all? 
     I know someone who is in severe pain but hasn't a clue that he feels that way.  He tries to hide it with humor, and sometimes it's almost painful to watch.  I just want to say, "it's ok...you don't have to pretend that everything's ok", but I don't.  He's a grown man and it's not my place to go there.  So, I back off and let him do his thing.  Maybe I'm keenly aware of his pain because of my own.  We have different stories, but very similar pain. I think we're all hurting in some way.  Most of us try to do something to cover it up.  I know I do...I'm technologically retarded, but I've gotten so into tech stuff, trying to occupy my mind and time with something other than thinking about everything that's really going on with me.  What do you use? Is it work? Or food or relationships? We all have something...I'm sure of it. 
     I have to tell you about a book that I downloaded (yes, I'm a dork) on my Nook thingy.  It's about the "bad" women of the Bible.  I love it.  Even God uses people like me - the bad Christian who cusses at any given chance and occasionally participates in illegal activity lol.  In learning about the Bible growing up, I always heard about the women who seemed perfect and normal and beautiful and all that.  I never identified with them worth crap and thought that I had to be like that in order to be loved.  So, I gave up trying at a pretty early age.  After all, I am your classic preacher's daughter - and the worst kind at that.  My family still jokes about how I turned into hell on wheels when I turned 16....I was awful! Why I'm going into all of this, I'm not quite sure.  I think I just want to communicate that you don't have to be perfect and all together in order to be of help to others or to be loved.  We were all made to be who we are for a reason.  I have mental illness and everything else for a reason.  What that reason is I haven't the first clue, but at least now I know that there is a reason.  And knowing is half the battle, to quote GI Joe lol. 
     So, this holiday season I want to allow myself to feel what I feel...even when it's inconvenient and hurts like hell.  I don't want to feel frantic about making sure that everybody is going to like what I've made them.  If they don't like it, tough shit....I've put a lot of thought, time and love into every single thing I've done.  I hope that this season, where the malls are packed with rats and frenzied shoppers, that you're able to sit back and get in touch with what's going on with you, whatever that looks like for you.  For me, it's sitting in the dark listening to Buddy and Julie Miller or David Gray, letting whatever feelings I have come up and hit me out of nowhere.  I hope you can find something that works, too.  Thanks for reading.