today's one of those days

I can't stand today.  I really can't.  I feel suicidal and severely depressed.  I wish I had the balls to do it, but I don't.  So you don't need to call my parents or anything.  I'll still be alive at least a year or so lol.  My money is all screwed up, I don't have enough for rent, my brother hates me and doesn't want to spend any time on me, my daughter is better off without me, apparently, and my parents won't get involved on any level.  That's why I hate today.  I hate it when I feel like this.  All I've done all day is lie in my dark room and stare at the wall.  It usually helps to blog, but so far I'm having a hard time seeing the screen for the tears.  When does it get better? When do I not feel like shit about my life? There's no cure for this stupid mental illness, and there's no cure for my brother's hatred.  I'm sick of being told to pray about it.  I pray, and nothing comes. I feel completely alone in this.  It's like I told my brother, I'm completely alone...I don't even have  my damn dog here! And yet I'm expected to just get over everything and smile.  Well, I can't do it.  I've tried, and it just made me cry harder.  Life sucks right now, and I don't know why.  Did I do something wrong to deserve all of this? Who will ever know.  I'm tired of feeling like God's guinea pig.  I hope whoever's reading this is doing better than I am.  There's no need for us all to be this screwed up.  thanks for reading

A change of heart...

This is probably a bit overdue, but I somewhat better news than I had in my last posting.  I "talked" to my brother via text messages.  I realized that the reason it's so hard to get difficult news from him is because he doesn't talk to me unless he has bad news to deliver.  His overall disinterest in me, in and of itself, is painful enough.  Then knowing that the only reason he wants to talk to me is to give me bad news.  It was more than I could bear, and definitely explains why I go from 0 to 100 when he gives me such painful news.  It would be just as painful without the lack of real relationship, but is even more so because he doesn't talk to me otherwise.  I brought this to his attention, and he said he would work on it.  That's really all I can ask for.  I know he's not perfect, but it's so hard feeling like he doesn't care in general, and only wants to talk to me when he gets to hurt me.  He and I used to be semi-close, but that hasn't been the case for several years now.  He feels that my feelings about missing my daughter are in response to the past, and that regardless of how they feel or how I feel, they're in the present right now and won't dwell on my feelings of the past.  I completely disagree with this, and generally don't agree with the way they've handled this, making her the only one to consider.  I struggle with this.  I know that as a parent, you have to put your child first no matter what.  At the same time, don't my hurt feelings count for anything? Doesn't it matter that I'm lonely as hell and am in excruciating pain? He doesn't treat me like a sister anymore.  I am basically a birth mother, and that's it.  Yea, I'm supposed to be "aunt" now, but I think that's bullshit.  Even she identifies me as her birth mother.  I guess I feel like the past 7 years have been completely discounted, they don't matter, and the feelings that go along with losing that mean nothing.  All I can do is go along with what they want in order to not have contact cut off completely.  It's like he holds that over my head...do this, or you won't get to talk to her...do that, or you won't get to talk to her.  That's how it's become.  I hate it desperately.  I felt better about it the other day, but the more I've thought about it, I think it's wrong.  But does that matter? Not at all.  I'm trying to use this shitty situation to learn something.  Is it patience? Is it just trusting that Jesus somehow is going to make some sense out of this?I really don't have a clue.  It's hard to feel or be optimistic about it when I am discounted in such a way.  If you think of me, pray.  If you don't pray, send positive and calming thoughts my way.  I can use all I can get these days.  Thanks so much for reading.