today's one of those days

I can't stand today.  I really can't.  I feel suicidal and severely depressed.  I wish I had the balls to do it, but I don't.  So you don't need to call my parents or anything.  I'll still be alive at least a year or so lol.  My money is all screwed up, I don't have enough for rent, my brother hates me and doesn't want to spend any time on me, my daughter is better off without me, apparently, and my parents won't get involved on any level.  That's why I hate today.  I hate it when I feel like this.  All I've done all day is lie in my dark room and stare at the wall.  It usually helps to blog, but so far I'm having a hard time seeing the screen for the tears.  When does it get better? When do I not feel like shit about my life? There's no cure for this stupid mental illness, and there's no cure for my brother's hatred.  I'm sick of being told to pray about it.  I pray, and nothing comes. I feel completely alone in this.  It's like I told my brother, I'm completely alone...I don't even have  my damn dog here! And yet I'm expected to just get over everything and smile.  Well, I can't do it.  I've tried, and it just made me cry harder.  Life sucks right now, and I don't know why.  Did I do something wrong to deserve all of this? Who will ever know.  I'm tired of feeling like God's guinea pig.  I hope whoever's reading this is doing better than I am.  There's no need for us all to be this screwed up.  thanks for reading