today's one of those days

I can't stand today.  I really can't.  I feel suicidal and severely depressed.  I wish I had the balls to do it, but I don't.  So you don't need to call my parents or anything.  I'll still be alive at least a year or so lol.  My money is all screwed up, I don't have enough for rent, my brother hates me and doesn't want to spend any time on me, my daughter is better off without me, apparently, and my parents won't get involved on any level.  That's why I hate today.  I hate it when I feel like this.  All I've done all day is lie in my dark room and stare at the wall.  It usually helps to blog, but so far I'm having a hard time seeing the screen for the tears.  When does it get better? When do I not feel like shit about my life? There's no cure for this stupid mental illness, and there's no cure for my brother's hatred.  I'm sick of being told to pray about it.  I pray, and nothing comes. I feel completely alone in this.  It's like I told my brother, I'm completely alone...I don't even have  my damn dog here! And yet I'm expected to just get over everything and smile.  Well, I can't do it.  I've tried, and it just made me cry harder.  Life sucks right now, and I don't know why.  Did I do something wrong to deserve all of this? Who will ever know.  I'm tired of feeling like God's guinea pig.  I hope whoever's reading this is doing better than I am.  There's no need for us all to be this screwed up.  thanks for reading

A change of heart...

This is probably a bit overdue, but I somewhat better news than I had in my last posting.  I "talked" to my brother via text messages.  I realized that the reason it's so hard to get difficult news from him is because he doesn't talk to me unless he has bad news to deliver.  His overall disinterest in me, in and of itself, is painful enough.  Then knowing that the only reason he wants to talk to me is to give me bad news.  It was more than I could bear, and definitely explains why I go from 0 to 100 when he gives me such painful news.  It would be just as painful without the lack of real relationship, but is even more so because he doesn't talk to me otherwise.  I brought this to his attention, and he said he would work on it.  That's really all I can ask for.  I know he's not perfect, but it's so hard feeling like he doesn't care in general, and only wants to talk to me when he gets to hurt me.  He and I used to be semi-close, but that hasn't been the case for several years now.  He feels that my feelings about missing my daughter are in response to the past, and that regardless of how they feel or how I feel, they're in the present right now and won't dwell on my feelings of the past.  I completely disagree with this, and generally don't agree with the way they've handled this, making her the only one to consider.  I struggle with this.  I know that as a parent, you have to put your child first no matter what.  At the same time, don't my hurt feelings count for anything? Doesn't it matter that I'm lonely as hell and am in excruciating pain? He doesn't treat me like a sister anymore.  I am basically a birth mother, and that's it.  Yea, I'm supposed to be "aunt" now, but I think that's bullshit.  Even she identifies me as her birth mother.  I guess I feel like the past 7 years have been completely discounted, they don't matter, and the feelings that go along with losing that mean nothing.  All I can do is go along with what they want in order to not have contact cut off completely.  It's like he holds that over my head...do this, or you won't get to talk to her...do that, or you won't get to talk to her.  That's how it's become.  I hate it desperately.  I felt better about it the other day, but the more I've thought about it, I think it's wrong.  But does that matter? Not at all.  I'm trying to use this shitty situation to learn something.  Is it patience? Is it just trusting that Jesus somehow is going to make some sense out of this?I really don't have a clue.  It's hard to feel or be optimistic about it when I am discounted in such a way.  If you think of me, pray.  If you don't pray, send positive and calming thoughts my way.  I can use all I can get these days.  Thanks so much for reading.

not a good day...

So I've been asked to make another heart-wrenching change.  My brother and I talked yesterday.  The only time he talks to me is if he needs something, and that something usually means that I have to make another step away from my daughter.  This time, he asked that I erase all pictures of her from my facebook page, quit referring to her as "my daughter", and allow her to call me "aunt Jenny" instead of Lucy.  I have, to date, done everything they have asked me to do.  I've relinquished my rights, I've given up being called 'mommy', I've quit hugging her too much and talking to her.  Now I'm supposed to answer to "aunt" instead of Lucy.  It's amazingly hurtful not just because of the requests.  It's crazy hard to heal this wound because the only time my brother even thinks of talking to me, it's when he plans on pushing the knife a little further through my heart.  I told him that I didn't feel comfortable with that.  He proceeded to send my parents a text stating that since my name isn't on the birth certificate, legally she's not my daughter.  As if a damn piece of paper can override seven full years of my life as a mom.  Then he went on to say that they would cut off all contact if I chose not to cooperate.  I am in hell right now.  I don't know how to get out.  I try to pray, but I feel like my prayers hit the ceiling.  How they can be so cold-hearted, I don't know.  My daughter's biological father found my sister-in-law's fb page, and now they're blaming that on me as well. I don't mean to sit here and play victim, but this really is what has happened in the last 24 hours.  I want to scream out of pain.  I want to kill my brother, and really have nothing to say to my sister-in-law.  I miss my daughter like I'd miss my right arm, were it gone as well.  He doesn't even care.  I guess it's that much tougher, too, because he doesn't even validate me in what I'm feeling.  My texts go unanswered except for one...he must have had a momentary lapse of kindness.  I wish things weren't the way they are.  I wish he cared for me, but I have to give that up.  He cares about his wife and his kids.  I don't  understand and honestly I'm pretty pissed at God.  I trusted my brother with my heart only to be sorely let down.  I won't make that mistake again.

today.....ugh!!!!

     Today has been one of the toughest days I've had since I've been in the group home.  The thing is that nothing's changed.  I can't stop crying.  I have this deep sense of hopelessness, but nothing's happened.  I think I'm realizing that I'm really here and I'm not going anywhere for a while.  The comic relief here is definitely found at others' expense.  Like today, I got to see dumb and dumber try to sweep and mop their floor.  They're the two sickest guys here guess you'd say, but they're clueless and definitely weird. Having mental illness myself, I feel like it's ok to pick on them a little bit.  it's a little like dealing with 5 year olds.  But they're the happiest people here, and I'm the one crying in the corner.  I even started crying when one of my pigtails (I'm growing my hair out) was out of place! Some would say that it's hormones, but I wouldn't know.  I had to have a hysterectomy 5 years ago, and don't know if I'm 'hormonal' or not....I think being able to blame your actions on a temporary hormone imbalance is a bit overrated and overdone.  None the less, today is a really hard day.  I'm homesick...I miss Agnes and I miss my daughter.  I miss being able to keep things in perspective.  I'm not going to be here any longer than a year, thank GOD, and it really could be a lot worse.  I try to keep that in mind as I'm typing with tears streaming down my face.  Sometimes the reality of my life really hits me.  I had such great things I was going to do with this life I've been given.  Where did it all go? Maybe it'll be better tomorrow.  Thanks -

Sunday musings...

     So, it's Sunday again.  Sunday has always been a conspicuous day for me.  It's hard for me to enjoy it because it's always a reminder that the next day is Monday, and I don't like Mondays.  I realize that I do this in a lot of other areas of my life.  It's kind of like the last day of vacation: it's hard to stay relaxed because  you know that it will all be over tomorrow.  I wish I could take things one day at a time instead of projecting into the future.  I have a therapist here at the group home.  I asked her Friday how long she thought I'd be here.  She said it would be a year, tops.  Now some people might be encouraged by this news, seeing as how the average length of stay is around two years.  But I, of course, threw a fit internally.  I want to leave today.  I don't want to have to wake up before the crack of dawn to have my breakfast and take my medication.  I want to live in a place where I can make it to the YMCA and swim if I so wish.  I don't want to live with eight other people who are as crazy, if not crazier, than I am.  I know that God has me here for a reason.  I've been able to kind of accept this.  My mom said that the reason might be that these people here need me.  Instead of taking that on, I decided that I didn't want the responsibility. How selfish is that? I want to be responsible for myself alone, and let them live their lives the way they want.  Life here gets really lonely.  Maybe I should remember that when I say I don't want to be responsible for anyone else.  I am, truthfully, the highest-functioning sick person here.  Granted, I've been fortunate to have had a lot more beneficial therapy and treatment than they have, simply because of socio-economic differences.  In other words, my parents saw to it that I received the best treatment.  For that, I am eternally grateful.  Today I'm going to work on getting out of myself and trying to be there for other people.  Maybe it'll make the time go by more quickly.  Who knows?? Maybe I won't feel so lonely.  Thanks for reading :)

Today

Today has been a rough one.  Nothing in particular has happened, but with me nothing has to happen in order to have a bad day.  I think I'm realizing that I really am in this group home in east Jesus nowhere, and my "friends" are just as unstable as I am, if not more.  I'm extremely lonely and keep to myself.  My phone card ran out and I don't have any money to buy another one.  So, there's no real face to face contact, and no phone contact.  I don't say any of this in order to receive a pity party.  I'm just explaining why things are hard at the moment.  I'm back in school, which is a huge highlight in my day to day life.  I  love to learn and love to study (I never said I wasn't a dork). I guess I wish this could all happen on my terms.  I wish life would happen on my terms.  So much of the time I don't like the way God does things.  It's either too late, or too early, not good enough, or too hard.  But I'm realizing that it's not so much God as it is my hard-headedness.  If I were more submissive, let's say, maybe I wouldn't have so many difficulties.  Who knows??  I am the way I am, and I'm workin' on it.  Hopefully things will improve.  Until then, I'll probably stalk people on facebook, watch movies, and eat trail mix with Gatorade. Have a good night all.

I'm back...

     It's officially been forever since I last blogged.  These past few months have been painfully difficult, but I'm still going strong.  I live in a group home now with 8 other mentally ill people.  It's kind of like being in a hospital, but without the locked doors and the confinement that usually comes with being hospitalized.  I'm getting used to it.  It's definitely not a "homey" place, but it's home for now.  I get to go home whenever I wish. Unlike most of the others, I have my own room and bathroom, and for that, I am thankful.  I decided that I wanted to go back to school, and I start online classes tonight.  Honestly, I'm doing really well.  I'm in a place of acceptance about the adoption.  I got to see my daughter this past weekend.  She's gotten soooo big, I can't believe it! She is so precious and is doing really well.  My entire family got together at my parents' house for 2 days.  I love my family.  I'm also keenly aware that without them, I'd probably be on the street somewhere....they have given me so much love and support.  Agnes is doing well.  She has a new hair-do...mom and dad had her shaved for the summer...apparently she was a little embarrassed about being bald lol...she still looks cute.  I think I'll try to write here every day...it gives me a much-needed outlet.  Thank you to all who have stuck with me...I love you all!

How stupid I can be...

     Well, the night before Christmas eve, I decided to overdose on my medication.  I was in so much emotional pain and felt so alone.  It's amazing the lies that take over when you're in such a state.  So, the next  morning, my parents came to the house and tried to get me to answer.  I could barely stand up, and felt like I was gonna puke.  I finally made my way to the front door and was greeted with 2 incredibly worried parents.  They took me directly to the hospital emergency room.  I couldn't really stand up by myself and couldn't talk....everything I said made no sense what so ever.  They took me up to the Medical intensive care unit and had a sitter stay with me at all times as a suicide watch precaution.  I kept hallucinating more than normal.  I was so frustrated.  When I overdosed, it wasn't to take my life.  Instead, I just wanted to sleep longer than normal.  Instead, I ended up staying in the hospital over Christmas.  The doctor let me go under my parents' supervision.  If you want to feel helpless and frustrated at the age of 33, just overdose and then have your parents take care of you.  I'm ready to go home.  At the same time, I know they didn't ask for any of this.  It's enough that they have to drive me wherever I need to go.  I really feel bad for them.  None of this was their fault, and yet they're having to bear the brunt of my stupid actions.  I go to one of the doctors tomorrow morning.  I'm hoping that visit goes well. 
      Basically, I feel like an idiot.  Hind sight's always 20/20, yet I wish I'd not been in such a bad space that I would take that much medication.  Like I said, I felt really alone, and was missing my daughter something awful.  She doesn't want to talk to me right now because it's too hard for her.  So, I don't know when I'll get to talk to her again.  That alone is enough to break my heart.  I know I have to do what's best for her, so my hands are tied.  I didn't think that giving her up would entail such heartbreaking things such as having no contact, and her not calling me mommy anymore.  I have to trust that I made the right decision, but that's a moment by moment thing.  People always talk about taking things one day at a time...I'm having to take things moment by moment right now.  Since the overdose, I've realized exactly how many people love me and care about me.  When this was all going on, all I could think was that everyone would probably be better off without me.  I deliberately didn't take enough meds to commit suicide.  I just wanted to check out for a bit.  I used to think that life was supposed to be easy.  Now I realize that life is really hard, and you're lucky if you get to have a few easy spots.  I'm trying to wrap my brain around it, still, but I'm coming along pretty well.  Like my dad says,"life sucks then you die".  He means it as a joke most of the time, but I think it's true, at least right now. But maybe if we all help each other out, it won't be so bad.  Who knows?!  I hope you all had a good holiday.  After all, holidays are just normal days that have been made special by someone else in order to have a celebration.  I vow never to overdose again.  I hope you will too.  Thanks for reading.