Dear God Letter...

      I have schizophrenia.  I also have a few other things, but schizophrenia is definitely there.  That's why I had to give up my daughter.  I am grateful that she's with family, but it's still hard.  Last night, my entire immediate family was here, and all of the grandchildren.  I love it when we're all together.  My brothers make fun of all of the bad and crazy hairdos that I've had...the bald heads and mohawks, though one brother had a mullet at one point.  I'm not the only one with bad taste lol.  Anyway, my mother played this damned song that absolutely wrecked my heart...it's actually really good, but I can't listen to it without bawling.  It's called "A Baby Changes Everything".  I don't know who wrote it, but Faith Hill sings it on her Christmas record I guess...it's my mom's.  I started crying, thinking about how different my Holiday is going to be this year.  How different my life is right now, and how much pain I'm in today.  Her new mother told me that my daughter is writing letters to God right now...telling him that she cries sometimes because she misses Lucy.  I was already crying about missing her....this just tore my heart out.   Though somewhere in my heart a little light shined in some tiny space because I am not forgotten.  She is not clueless about how different things are and how hard they are.  She is going to have an amazing and painful story to tell when she gets a little older.  I hate that it has to be a painful and difficult one, but I'm realizing that we connect to each other best when in pain.  Don't you think you do that? I know I do...there are some people I never thought I'd be involved with who can connect with me and help hold me up because they've been there.  Somehow or in some way, they've been there. 
     Anyway, I told my father as he was driving me home.  He suggested that I might want to write some letters to God too.  I'm still not sure if God is a He or a She, but I decided that "they" wouldn't care that much.  I hope not at least.  So, I decided that if I'm going to really be up front and honest about where I am, I would let you read  my letter to God.  I didn't get too deep, but figured I'd share, hoping that I'm connecting with somebody:

   Dear God,
     I know that I'm throwing up shotgun prayers right now...my heart is broken.  I'm starting to see a little light through the cracks, but it's all so painful still.  I wish that it could've stopped when I signed my rights over as her mother.  Couldn't the giving have ended there?  So much is frequently asked of me, and I give for the well-being of my child.  I give for hopping that if I do the next right, albeit hard thing that more light shines.  It may just be a tiny space filled with light, but it's more than I had.  Bless the people who endure mindless babble from a crazy girl.  Bless that baby that 'changed everyting' for me.  Let her know how much I love her...thanks.  Oh, and please honor these tears I cry for her.  Let me send her light and love and then drop it so I don't end up in that ocean, punching at the waves, trying to get somewhere more peaceful.
                              Amen

Happy Late Thanksgiving

      So, how was your Thanksgiving? That's probably not a proper way to begin a blog, but I always want to know how other people spend the Holidays.  I spent mine with my father's side of the family in a cottage on the beach in Florida.  This was the first time in 15 years that we were able to make it...the "we" being my mom, dad, and me.  I still don't have clearance to drive, mostly because I suck at it, so I rode with them.  Unfortunately I spent a lot of time in bed because of my broken back.  It gave me plenty of time to think, though, sans computer and other web capabilities.  We stayed from Tuesday until today.  I was ready to get home, back to the dog and all things familiar.  As I was laying in bed, though, I tried to maintain a positive attitude by thinking about the things and the people for whom I'm most grateful.  I read quite a bit...a little Anne Lamott and a little from an ancient yoga text.  The latter was extremely confusing and not nearly as entertaining as the first.  My brain seems to serve me well lately, as I haven't had an episode in several weeks now.  I welcome the reprieve with somewhat open and tentative arms.  I can't help but wonder when things will go downhill again, and I hate that about myself.  I wish I could enjoy the break without putting one foot into tomorrow's possible breakdown.  I don't think I'm alone in this.  And I don't think that this behavior is limited to those who have mental illness.  I think in some way we all do this, with whatever ails us. 
      As I lay in bed this week, trying like hell to be grateful when I really just wanted to crawl under a rock because I felt like I had the body of an eighty-year-old, I found that I had one foot in that today and getting home.  I was glad for the vacation, to see familiar faces that had gone unseen for so long, and to hear my elders tell stories of Thanksgivings past.  I became painfully aware, though, that the older generation's presence and guidance will not be there much longer.  They are getting older, and so am I.  Things are changing.  People are changing.  I am changing. 
     That is what I got most out of this week...that everything is changing.  My daughter is changing.  My relationship with her is changing.  She no longer calls me mom or mommy.  Instead, she calls me Lucy.  I don't mind it much, as that name is a term of endearment in my my family.  However, I am painfully aware that I am not her primary mother figure anymore.  It hurts like crazy, but I have to walk through it.  I'm 33 years old now, and I'm not getting any younger.  I wonder what tomorrow will bring.  Will I feel good? Will my back remain like the rusty cogs of a wheel or will I be able to move more freely?  Will my brain behave itself, or will it go off into some new psychosis?  These are all questions I've been asking myself while keeping one foot in today and one foot in tomorrow.  It's like my dad always says that if you've got a foot in today and one in tomorrow, that you're pissing all over today.  I love that...not the pissing on today part, but you know what I mean.  I think we all need to remember that.  I think that life comes in abundance when you stay right where you are instead of lurching towards tomorrow in expectancy.  Hopefully I'll remember that as the day closes.  Thanks for reading.

My Broken Heart

     Today is probably one of the hardest days I've ever had.  I found out that my daughter can't call me mommy anymore.  Instead, she's going to call me Lucy.  I haven't been able to stop crying.  I feel like my heart has been ripped into pieces and stomped on.  I understand that it's best for her.  Calling me mommy and my sister mommy is extremely confusing for her.  I am determined to do what is best for her, even when it feels like it's the end of the world to me.  I don't have much to say except to those who pray to continue praying.  Puffy red eyes are kind of the status quot these past couple days.  I'm so tired of grieving.  I want to feel happy.  I want to feel peace about the situation.  I wish that doing what's best for her didn't hurt so badly.  I pray and pray and sometimes feel comfort, and other times I feel completely alone.  I'm not a mom anymore.  I don't have a daughter anymore.  That sweet precious child that I gave birth to is no longer mine.  She won't identify me as her mother anymore. I feel like the world has truly come to an end.  What else is there? If I've been so obedient in my decision to give her up, why don't I feel rewarded? Why don't I feel loved? Why can't I stop crying and begging for that peace that passes all understanding.  I want her sooooo badly.  I long to feel those sweet, soft arms around my neck.  I will get to see her over the Thanksgiving holiday for 2 days.  I'm a nervous wreck...usually our meetings go well, and other times they're very tense. I am praying for the best situation.  Please pray for the same. I can't stop crying, so I think I'm going to get off the computer.  Thanks for reading.

Early Thanksgiving wishes...

     Well, it's that time of year again.  Normally I'm not a holiday person, but for some reason this year is different.  We're all going down to the beach in Florida to stay for a week with my dad's side of the family.  My daughter will be there, which is probably why I'm so excited.  They're only coming for 2 days, but that's 2 days that I normally wouldn't be able to spend with her.  I don't do well around big crowds, so I'm a bit nervous.  But I'll have my own room to go to if things get too overwhelming.  I hope that everyone has a great Thanksgiving. Even if you're not a holiday person, I know you can come up with at least one thing to be thankful for.  It's kind of a "one day at a time" thing for me.  I usually expect the worst, and then am pleasantly surprised how things work out.  I am hoping and praying that I don't have an episode while I'm there.  That would really suck.  I really don't have much else to say today.  I love you all and while we're on the topic of Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for you all.  The feedback I have gotten from my friends is so helpful and encouraging.  I'm grateful for my entire family and for their comfort and love during this difficult time.  Thank you so much for reading. Have a great holiday!

I hate the flu...

     I have the flu right now and feel like crap.  My friend encouraged me to write anyway, so I am doing just that.  The holidays are here and I find myself wondering how I'm going to cope.  My daughter  is doing really well, which I'm grateful for, yet I long for her to want her mommy.  Damned schizophrenia.  I always wonder if I did anything to bring it on.  My life has been pretty difficult,but there are so many other people who have gone through difficult things and still can take care of their children.  So, I continue wondering what I did wrong and where I went wrong, hearing the sounds of my therapist lingering in the background, telling me that none of this is my fault; that it's a brain disorder that no one has control over. So, the cycle begins again.  I forgive myself, then feel guilty about feeling forgiven, then feel depressed about the whole situation, then back to the beginning of forgiving myself all over again.  Does anybody else do this? Is it a crazy person thing?  I don't really know what it feels like to be "normal", but I imagine great things for that kind of life. I imagine that "normal" people don't feel as if they've abandoned their children; that they don't have to worry about half of the things that I do...that they don't have to rely on medication for some semblance of sanity. Then I hear that "normal" people have just as many problems...they're just different.  The thing that sucks is that I'm in the minority.  People don't understand what it's like to be mentally ill.  People can identify with "normal" people problems.  I miss feeling normal.  And at times I grow increasingly angry feeling abandoned by God and the human race.  I almost wish that I had a physical illness instead of one of the mental sort. That way people would understand and wouldn't look at me like I'm crazy when I share my life with them.  It's also times like these, when I'm pretty lucid and doing pretty well, that I wish I had my daughter back.  The other times, I'm grateful she's with my brother and sister-in-law, whom I consider a sister. I will have to find a balance between the two.  My sweet sister told me that she wants me to flourish in life, and to not feel as if I've put my daughter off on them so that I could have a "nice" life.  She knows my heart and knows that I don't operate like that.  I just need to find a place to balance.  Right now, though, with being sick, it makes the whole situation feel quite dreary.  I just have to hold on.  thanks for reading

In it Together

     I definitely don't claim to be a great writer.  I never have and I never will.  Most of what I write is stuff I need to either get off of my chest, or I think there's some random possibility that the information might be of help to someone.  So, Here we go again lol.  Mentally, I am doing incredibly well.  For that, I am eternally grateful.  I wish I could be one of those people who takes every moment as it comes.  If I'm doing well with my yoga, I'm usually better about it.  But right now, yoga has been the last thing on my mind, and I'm kind of given in to a more hectic state of mind.  I actually met a boy that I like...I honestly thought that the rest of my life would be filled with same-sex relationships because of all the awful experiences I've had with men, and the fact that I've always been attracted to women as well.  I realize that some of you who are reading this probably think that I'm going to hell because of my "sin".  I disagree, but understand why you feel the way you do....it has so much to do with the place from which you came.  Anyway, I don't know if it was my fault or not, but now it's not going  so well.  I suck at relationships.  I don't know if it's ok to say this, but I really believe that all artists in one way or another royally suck at relationships.  Anyway, I'm dating a man, and it's different.  He doesn't really know what to do with me lol.  It's kind of funny. 
     Any who, I just wanted to make it known that relationships, no matter what you have going on in your life, are all hard.  I don't know what happened, but I finally was able to understand that people who aren't mentally ill have really hard relationships, too.  I thought that I had more problems in relationships simply because of my schizophrenia.I can't tell you how comforting it is to know that in some way I'm like a "normal" person. I miss talking to all of you.  I need to start writing more.  Hug yourselves and know that you're not alone.  Thanks for reading.