not a good day...

So I've been asked to make another heart-wrenching change.  My brother and I talked yesterday.  The only time he talks to me is if he needs something, and that something usually means that I have to make another step away from my daughter.  This time, he asked that I erase all pictures of her from my facebook page, quit referring to her as "my daughter", and allow her to call me "aunt Jenny" instead of Lucy.  I have, to date, done everything they have asked me to do.  I've relinquished my rights, I've given up being called 'mommy', I've quit hugging her too much and talking to her.  Now I'm supposed to answer to "aunt" instead of Lucy.  It's amazingly hurtful not just because of the requests.  It's crazy hard to heal this wound because the only time my brother even thinks of talking to me, it's when he plans on pushing the knife a little further through my heart.  I told him that I didn't feel comfortable with that.  He proceeded to send my parents a text stating that since my name isn't on the birth certificate, legally she's not my daughter.  As if a damn piece of paper can override seven full years of my life as a mom.  Then he went on to say that they would cut off all contact if I chose not to cooperate.  I am in hell right now.  I don't know how to get out.  I try to pray, but I feel like my prayers hit the ceiling.  How they can be so cold-hearted, I don't know.  My daughter's biological father found my sister-in-law's fb page, and now they're blaming that on me as well. I don't mean to sit here and play victim, but this really is what has happened in the last 24 hours.  I want to scream out of pain.  I want to kill my brother, and really have nothing to say to my sister-in-law.  I miss my daughter like I'd miss my right arm, were it gone as well.  He doesn't even care.  I guess it's that much tougher, too, because he doesn't even validate me in what I'm feeling.  My texts go unanswered except for one...he must have had a momentary lapse of kindness.  I wish things weren't the way they are.  I wish he cared for me, but I have to give that up.  He cares about his wife and his kids.  I don't  understand and honestly I'm pretty pissed at God.  I trusted my brother with my heart only to be sorely let down.  I won't make that mistake again.

today.....ugh!!!!

     Today has been one of the toughest days I've had since I've been in the group home.  The thing is that nothing's changed.  I can't stop crying.  I have this deep sense of hopelessness, but nothing's happened.  I think I'm realizing that I'm really here and I'm not going anywhere for a while.  The comic relief here is definitely found at others' expense.  Like today, I got to see dumb and dumber try to sweep and mop their floor.  They're the two sickest guys here guess you'd say, but they're clueless and definitely weird. Having mental illness myself, I feel like it's ok to pick on them a little bit.  it's a little like dealing with 5 year olds.  But they're the happiest people here, and I'm the one crying in the corner.  I even started crying when one of my pigtails (I'm growing my hair out) was out of place! Some would say that it's hormones, but I wouldn't know.  I had to have a hysterectomy 5 years ago, and don't know if I'm 'hormonal' or not....I think being able to blame your actions on a temporary hormone imbalance is a bit overrated and overdone.  None the less, today is a really hard day.  I'm homesick...I miss Agnes and I miss my daughter.  I miss being able to keep things in perspective.  I'm not going to be here any longer than a year, thank GOD, and it really could be a lot worse.  I try to keep that in mind as I'm typing with tears streaming down my face.  Sometimes the reality of my life really hits me.  I had such great things I was going to do with this life I've been given.  Where did it all go? Maybe it'll be better tomorrow.  Thanks -

Sunday musings...

     So, it's Sunday again.  Sunday has always been a conspicuous day for me.  It's hard for me to enjoy it because it's always a reminder that the next day is Monday, and I don't like Mondays.  I realize that I do this in a lot of other areas of my life.  It's kind of like the last day of vacation: it's hard to stay relaxed because  you know that it will all be over tomorrow.  I wish I could take things one day at a time instead of projecting into the future.  I have a therapist here at the group home.  I asked her Friday how long she thought I'd be here.  She said it would be a year, tops.  Now some people might be encouraged by this news, seeing as how the average length of stay is around two years.  But I, of course, threw a fit internally.  I want to leave today.  I don't want to have to wake up before the crack of dawn to have my breakfast and take my medication.  I want to live in a place where I can make it to the YMCA and swim if I so wish.  I don't want to live with eight other people who are as crazy, if not crazier, than I am.  I know that God has me here for a reason.  I've been able to kind of accept this.  My mom said that the reason might be that these people here need me.  Instead of taking that on, I decided that I didn't want the responsibility. How selfish is that? I want to be responsible for myself alone, and let them live their lives the way they want.  Life here gets really lonely.  Maybe I should remember that when I say I don't want to be responsible for anyone else.  I am, truthfully, the highest-functioning sick person here.  Granted, I've been fortunate to have had a lot more beneficial therapy and treatment than they have, simply because of socio-economic differences.  In other words, my parents saw to it that I received the best treatment.  For that, I am eternally grateful.  Today I'm going to work on getting out of myself and trying to be there for other people.  Maybe it'll make the time go by more quickly.  Who knows?? Maybe I won't feel so lonely.  Thanks for reading :)

Today

Today has been a rough one.  Nothing in particular has happened, but with me nothing has to happen in order to have a bad day.  I think I'm realizing that I really am in this group home in east Jesus nowhere, and my "friends" are just as unstable as I am, if not more.  I'm extremely lonely and keep to myself.  My phone card ran out and I don't have any money to buy another one.  So, there's no real face to face contact, and no phone contact.  I don't say any of this in order to receive a pity party.  I'm just explaining why things are hard at the moment.  I'm back in school, which is a huge highlight in my day to day life.  I  love to learn and love to study (I never said I wasn't a dork). I guess I wish this could all happen on my terms.  I wish life would happen on my terms.  So much of the time I don't like the way God does things.  It's either too late, or too early, not good enough, or too hard.  But I'm realizing that it's not so much God as it is my hard-headedness.  If I were more submissive, let's say, maybe I wouldn't have so many difficulties.  Who knows??  I am the way I am, and I'm workin' on it.  Hopefully things will improve.  Until then, I'll probably stalk people on facebook, watch movies, and eat trail mix with Gatorade. Have a good night all.

I'm back...

     It's officially been forever since I last blogged.  These past few months have been painfully difficult, but I'm still going strong.  I live in a group home now with 8 other mentally ill people.  It's kind of like being in a hospital, but without the locked doors and the confinement that usually comes with being hospitalized.  I'm getting used to it.  It's definitely not a "homey" place, but it's home for now.  I get to go home whenever I wish. Unlike most of the others, I have my own room and bathroom, and for that, I am thankful.  I decided that I wanted to go back to school, and I start online classes tonight.  Honestly, I'm doing really well.  I'm in a place of acceptance about the adoption.  I got to see my daughter this past weekend.  She's gotten soooo big, I can't believe it! She is so precious and is doing really well.  My entire family got together at my parents' house for 2 days.  I love my family.  I'm also keenly aware that without them, I'd probably be on the street somewhere....they have given me so much love and support.  Agnes is doing well.  She has a new hair-do...mom and dad had her shaved for the summer...apparently she was a little embarrassed about being bald lol...she still looks cute.  I think I'll try to write here every day...it gives me a much-needed outlet.  Thank you to all who have stuck with me...I love you all!