I went to the doctor today. My psychiatrist, that is. She's wonderful. She's been practicing over 50 years and really knows her stuff. It's great to be with a doctor who tells me what to do instead of asking me what I think needs to be changed. Isn't that what you pay the doc for? To tell you what to do? Yes. So I look forward to seeing her. She always knows what to do and isn't weirded out by the fact that I have something like 550 different diagnoses lol. I like the comparison my dad has been making lately. He says that what I have is like cancer...good days and bad days...can't really control any of the symptoms, but you fight it like hell. It kind of takes the pressure off, if that makes any sense. I realized over the holiday that I was worn out because I felt like I had to be "on" all the time, even though my back was hurting and I was so tired. I don't do well in crowds. I've realized this. So, I took my Nook e-reader thingy and played sudoku in between reading the old yoga text and Anne Lamott. She is my favorite author, by the way. I highly recommend anything that she's written. Just when I think I'm the worst person ever who was somewhat Jesusy and crunchy, I read her work and feel right at home. She's a bad Christian, too. She always helps me not loathe myself so much lol.
My doc and I talked about me not having my daughter and how I'm doing in the transition. I realized that I'm in an angry stage right now. I don't know that I can actually say "stage" since my attitude can change within 5 minutes, and I'll do a 180. Like today...I was going about my business doing just fine. Then left the doctor's office pissed as hell at the child therapist for ripping my daughter away from me. This, however, is not reality, and I realized that as soon as I started using the words fucking and shit while talking to my mother. This is always a bad sign....though she was kind enough not to reprimand me while I was so angry. Truth is, though, that when I get that mad about something, anything, it's usually because I'm hurting really badly about it or something related. Don't you think you do that, too? If my reaction is a 15 on a 10 point scale, nine times out of ten, I am really hurting about something and find it way easier to be mad instead. I don't feel so vulnerable or hopeless when I'm mad. At least I don't throw things anymore...that ended several months ago lol...actually that is the truth. I got so mad at a friend who owed me a ton of money, and I just about emaciated my phone after throwing it repeatedly because I was so "pissed". What it actually was was that I was so hurt that he would borrow that money from me and then not pay it back, when I was a single mom on welfare, blah blah, blah. It was all quite self-indulgent if you ask me - to lend him the money was my mistake, but I did it...that was my part in it...if that makes any sense. Anyway, I'm tired of feeling angry now. I think I'm going to try to chill for a bit before I have to go to bed. If you pray, send love and light my way as I'm continuing through this journey. Thanks for reading.
