Today has been a hard one. My neck and shoulders and head ache from crying so hard. It feels a bit like I'm dealing with the death of a loved-one. But she's not dead. My daughter is thriving in her environment and is enjoying life. In a selfish way, I want her to want her mommy of 7 years. But I'm not her mommy anymore...not in the way that I have been. That's why it's over. I grieve for the last 7 years I had with her. Like most schizophrenics who have periods of lucidity, I blame myself and wish I had done this or that differently. But that wasn't the plan. I did the very best I could do with the hand I was dealt long before that precious little girl began to grow in my tummy. I am grateful that I got to go through the experience of pregnancy...feeling her move around in my stomach...seeing her look at her mother for the first time...praying, terrified, that she would make it through those first critical hours when she couldn't breathe on her own. There is a reason that she came from me. She couldn't have come from anyone else. I understood today how a birth mother might feel when giving their child up for adoption. The only difference is that I got to create a tightly-woven bond with her for 7 years before giving her up. I got to see what she looks like, what she smells like, what her skin feels like, what her hair felt like when I would wash it as it curled around my fingers. All of these things I know. What I don't know is how to relate to her in a different way. My role has to change. I wish there was a book that I could read to give me all the answers. If there is, somebody let me know. It can't be through trial and error, I don't believe, because I don't want to risk hurting her heart. Hurt mine all you want, but don't hurt hers. She didn't ask for any of this. I don't want to do anything that would uproot her or pull the rug out from under her. So, I talk to mommy #2, who is so amazingly gifted in relating and being real. How lucky and blessed am I that she and my oldest brother not only care for and love my daughter, they are concerned about my heart and my well-being as well. They want to know where I am emotionally. They are in transition just as much as I am.
As hard as today has been, it's been a good one. I have horrific memories from my childhood that are surfacing, and the adoption was final, but I'm still here. And I didn't even hallucinate. I usually hallucinate a lot especially when I'm in extremely emotionally-charged situations. I don't wish on anyone what I have had to endure in this lifetime. I was unknowingly not protected as a child. My parents didn't know everything that was going on. Otherwise they would have stopped it. For the memories I've had, and for those to come (God help me I can't have anymore), if there are any, I have completely forgiven them. They did the best they could with what they had. My family has spent more money on therapy and hospitals....you'd think I'd have my own wing somewhere! lol! But it has been worth it. Do I have the life of a normal 33 year old? Absolutely not. Do I want that sometimes? Of course. But I can't come at life from that angle. I have to take it head on and be direct and deliberate or I get lost in the shoulds and the shouldn'ts of who I am and where my worth comes from. This whole "my worth comes from God" thing is completely new to me. I'm certainly not the "Bible beater" type of Christian. Those are the people who kept me away from God for so many years. I'm just learning slowly what it means to rely on Him and let Him make my way straight. My way hasn't been all that straight. In fact, it's been extremely crooked, and I still look crooked to myself when I look in the mirror. But He/She tells me it's going to be alright. Do I always believe it and feel like it? Of course not...I'm a baby in the realm of faith. But I believe because I want to. I want to know that I haven't felt all of this horrific pain for nothing.
So tonight, while my body is still rejecting food because I haven't been able to eat much in the past few days,I say my prayers. Actually, that sounds strange. I talk to creator and let him or her wrap me up in their arms and hold me while I sleep. Thanks for reading
