Today I'll try to keep it short. I was able to get out of bed and open the blinds today. It's taken three days to do it, but I did it. That's a huge part of my disorder...I have such a bent towards black depression. And so far today, I've only heard my name called 3 times. At least I'm only hearing things and not seeing things. It's still freaky to think someone is in your house calling your name, but to see them is a different story. I haven't had major visual hallucinations in a little while now, thank God.
Well, I'll get down to it. Today is the day that the adoption is final. I'm so grateful that I don't have to be there. It's been all I can do to hang on, but I'm making it. It will be final in 30 minutes. I will no longer be her main mother or caretaker. I won't kiss her boo boos and I won't tuck her in at night again. I try not to cry about it because I keep thinking I'm all dried up. But the tears just come whenever they want. I almost cried i the book store for god's sake! I want to let go. I need to let go as much for her as I do myself. But those of you who are mothers know that those strings are strong and they don't cut easily. So, I cry some more. My mom gave me an amazing illustration of me laying her at God's feet and leaving her there for Him/Her to take care of. That's where she's safest and will be loved the most. I keep praying for the ability to leave her there, and the ability to walk away, keeping my hands to myself. I find myself constantly running back up there to make sure she's OK, like there's something I can do that God can't. It's just so damned hard! I also have to take my heart back. I can love her from here, but if I leave this wound gaping then I won't be able to move on and find out what is in store for me now. It's scary to think about moving on. There's a sense of guilt that hangs on my shoulders, like I'm not making the right decision. But I have to trudge on. I have done what I was called to do, and what, in the end, is best for my child. I am definitely getting worse. I . sometimes have a hard enough time just taking care of myself that there's no way I would want her to be privy to that kind of darkness. She is growing up before my eyes, and it's not because of anything I'm doing...it's what I'm not doing that is helping. But I will always be her mother. I'm the only one who gave her life.
So, I take each day one at a time. It's more like taking things minute by minute right now, but I'll be able to make it. God surely didn't bring me this far to leave me now. That's all I can hold onto right now. I hope you guys have a good day today. I know I'm going to try. Thanks for reading.
