I realized today that I have solely identified myself as a mother. Even during the short times of illness, when my daughter would stay with my parents, I still identified myself and my worth in being a mother. I was never the girl who couldn't wait to get married and have babies. When I got pregnant, it was a surprise....the next nine months were a whirlwind of living in the ghetto, then being homeless, living with a friend for a month, then finally being allowed to return to my parents' home. I should have known that she would easily change situations. That's all she's known her entire life, because I couldn't always take care of her. I struggle so much with blaming myself for all of this...if I hadn't done this, or if I wasn't like that. It all comes back to the place where I blame myself for my mental illness. It's so hard not to do that. I have a pretty severe case of what I've got, but I also have times of complete normalcy. It's during those times that I beat myself up for my behavior, knowing that if I had the option to be "normal" I would take it hands down as opposed to the life I have. People don't get it. Why would people want to get it? It's ugly, it's sad, it's hard, and there are a lot of tears. My present project is trying to learn how to let my daughter go. Not only to free up my heart from the suffering I'm enduring, but to free her up to be fully in that family and not have to worry about her mama.
Last night we celebrated mine and my dad's birthdays together. All the grandchildren came as well as my brother and sister (in-law...but not really) It was all I could do to not sit in a puddle of sobbs...I wanted to be so strong and happy for her. All I could see was that she really is 100% in their family. She didn't ask me about things. She asked her other mother about things. My sister and I (this mommy and that mommy) are very close and I can tell her when I'm in pain, and she completely understands where I'm coming from. I am and always will be eternally grateful to her for being there for me, being my daughter's mother when I can't be, and still caring for my heart. I love her so much that words cannot explain.
So, I went home sobbing and cried myself to sleep. I woke up this morning, and started crying just where I left off. So, I went back to sleep, woke up around noon, and called my mom sobbing, asking her to get me out of the house. I have no car since I had the accident, so my parents are my transportation. Plus, it's always comforting being around my mama. So we went to a bookstore where I got a CD, and continued on to TJ Maxx, our favorite store. There were so many mothers with their little girls walking through the store. I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't help but think that if my brain weren't so plagued, I'd be walking around with madi. I tried on some cute clothes, had a misunderstanding with my mom, then stormed out of the dressing room and walked off like a teenager pitching a fit. I couldn't put my finger on what I was so upset about...I just knew that I was absolutely furious and wanted to cry. Once we talked it out, I figured out that my heart was aching seeing all those mothers and daughters and knowing that nobody knew or even cared that I was in pain right there where I was. Thank the Lord for my mother...I've put her through as much hell as I've felt. We'll see where this goes. For now, though, I'm going to try to go to sleep. Thank you for reading.
